We all know a similar scenario to this. 

You have been asked to go out to an old friend’s birthday party. This party also happens to be a theme dress-up party. You haven’t seen this friend for donkeys years, and you absolutely hate dress-up parties. The problem is, all of your old friends are going to this party, and they all want you to go too.

Or you receive an unexpected call asking if you would mind babysitting your cousin’s 2-year-old son this afternoon because her usual babysitter has been called into work. The problem is you have a splitting headache, her son should be classified as feral, and you don’t like being around him at the best of times.

You want to say no on both occasions, but you say yes. Annoying, isn’t it?

Then you feel angry at yourself for not being stronger and speaking your truth. But deep down, you know that if you had said no to either of these scenarios, you would have felt a host of different negative thoughts about yourself.

The self-talk would have been along these lines: “I’m selfish.” or “I’m unkind and mean.” If you weren’t thinking this about yourself, you would be worried that the people you said no to would be.

There can also be a very real fear that you create animosity with the person who asked you this favour. They could see it as an act of war and verbally attack you for choosing yourself by saying no to their requests and putting your own needs first.

Because standing up for ourselves can be just too hard, and we can’t handle conflict, we just say yes. Time and time again. But there is always this little voice in the back of our heads saying, “When is it going to be my turn?”

Where did we learn this behaviour, and why do we constantly put our own needs last?

Our need to please people and to be liked is generally felt by us all. It’s pretty human. 

The fear of speaking our truth and standing up for our own needs was more than likely developed in our formative childhood years. A dominant adult figure (parent, relative, or teacher) who shut us down, criticised us, or smacked us when we spoke up, taught us to keep the peace.

So we learnt to fall in line and keep the peace. Denying our own needs and making every else’s more important than our own.

I see this as living inauthentically and not being self-empowered. There is a real problem when you never say yes to yourself. You get taken advantage of, and there is a real injustice in that; it can leave you feeling angry or invalidated.

Something magical happens when I help people overcome their fear of standing up for themselves. When they learn to say no to others and yes to themselves more often. They seem to grow taller in front of me. I can see that they’re pleased with themselves for being stronger. 

They have also changed the dynamics in their relationships because they have mastered the art of setting boundaries. This, of course, can be a little confronting to past recipients of their people pleasing, but it also brings them newfound respect that they weren’t receiving beforehand.